What should I do, Amazing Clarks? I’m currently in a committed relationship with a great guy. We’ve been dating for approx six months. Everything has been going great thus far until a week ago we hit a rough patch in our courtship...
My man, was going to attend a birthday party of his "ex girlfriend" child, and take her to a basketball game as a gift. After hearing this, I was not happy and I am currently still uneasy with his decision to go attend the party and the basketball game. During our third discussion about this, my man, explained to me that during his relationship with "the ex" was just sexual over a three year period. And throughout this period, he became attached to her almost 8 year old daughter. After their sexual relationship was over, he asked his ex-lover if it was okay for him to be involved in her child's life—she agreed. But once again this is, "my man!" Here is where our problem lies; the ex / daughter have asked my BF to attend the little girl’s 8th birthday party. I have several reasons why I’m not happy with this situation. I do not like the fact he went ahead and made the decision to attend the birthday party/attending the basketball game without asking me how I feel about this situation and the child.
The ex girlfriend, is just as wrong as the little girl. I do not like the fact that his ex" is allowing my man to play daddy when the biological father is missing in action and not stepping up to the plate to take care of the child. Mostly, I do not like the fact that he is playing daddy with another woman's child when they were just friend's with benefits! I feel that my man’s judgment is clouded because he desperately wants kids of his own. And until we have children of our own, I do not want to him to be playing daddy with an "ex girlfriend" and her child.
My love life, is not the best right now. Granted this will not be an every other weekend on-going visitation, I do not like the fact that my BF seem to think this is harmless and get on board with his decision to attend the daughter’s birthday. My suggestion was for him to just send her a gift and leave it at that. I understand my BF’s logic of being supportive for the little girl. But I feel that he should not be so hands on and involved when he’s not her father nor was never seriously committed to her mother (ie. engaged/married).
What should I do? I feel my BF’s occasional quality time visits are misleading and will be give this little girl false hope, not to mention the mother. But he thinks differently. When you have a moment, could you please tell me if I’m over reacting in this situation? And offer some advice on how my BF and I can resolve this disagreement. Your advice will be greatly appreciated. So please amazing Clarks let me know, what should I do, about my love life?
Klhoe: What you should do, is ultimately your choice, but this is just our expert opinion. From our perspective we can completely understand why you both feel the way that you do - and neither one of you are wrong for feeling the way you feel about the situation. But your boyfriend seems to be operating from a place of love, unconditional acceptance, and selflessness (at least in this situation), and you appear to be operating from a place of fear, doubt, and insecurity (at least in this situation) - which once again is perfectly understandable. And from our perspective that little girl did not choose to be in the situation she is in. Her mother had a sexual relationship with a man, and this little spirit and that man seemed to have formed a spiritual connection that they both value, enjoy, and need for whatever reasons.
Now you are suggesting that they should break this very spiritual bond because you are not comfortable with it. But in all honesty my love, their relationship is not a personal attack against you. Your man, is doing a very noble thing that is rare in today's society. Women are constantly complaining that they can't "find a good man," and it sounds like you have found one. And now you are asking him to stop being "a good man." The little girl is fortunate to have a male in her life that cares about her (regardless of how they are related). His influence can positively change her entire life, as well as her future children's lives for generations to come. How could you not want that for a child - whether they are yours or not.
The ex girlfriend, may be the real issue. Now if you believe that him and her are plotting to have an affair then you have every right to be fearful of the situation. But if either one of those scenarios are something that you truly believe, then you should not be with him in the first place and should just break up with him now. Your relationship will never work if either one of you don't know, how to trust. So you need to really be honest about how you feel about this "ex girlfriend."
The love life, that you want can be yours. If do not believe that either of those scenarios above are true, then you need to love, encourage and support him. This is what great marriages are built on. He will appreciate it and will love and respect you even more. You two will grow closer and develop an unbreakable bond that nothing can come between. This experience is a crossroad for your relationship and you can either grow closer together or further apart. The choice is completely yours.
You should do, whats best for everyone and not just what you believe is best for you. We know that you just want the best for you both and that your intentions are good. But we are not here to tell you what you want to hear - we are hear to tell you what you need to hear in-order to build a strong happy and loving relationship with your boyfriend. Him loving that little girl should not make you unhappy, it should make you ecstatic because he is showing you that he will also be a great dad to the children that you will have together one day.
So don't listen to family or friends that tell you that you are being dumb or that he is being disrespectful. He is simply doing something that is out of the ordinary - in our often closed minded society. But ask yourself, do you want a man that is ordinary or extraordinary? Hang in their my love everything will be fine. Love love love - you can do it!
The Amazing Clarks